God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Randomize
