so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Randomize
