I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
Randomize
