yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
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