Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
Randomize
