I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
