i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
I have post one night stand depression
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
