We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Randomize
