the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
Swine flu. Run for my life!
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
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