i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Randomize
