I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
