Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
