I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
