I bet he comes in French.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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