I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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