I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
Randomize
