Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
