Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Randomize
