No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize