On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Randomize
