I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Randomize
