Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
