just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Randomize
