Dude, I don't think I'll ever be able to find a girl for me...
Is this the gay conversation?
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Randomize