he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
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