also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
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