Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
