I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
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