maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
