oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
