If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
you would pick up someone in the library
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
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