he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
I believe in your delicious
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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