I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
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