It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
