hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
