Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Randomize
