Oh KT! There was no tea in those Long Islands...
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
