Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
