i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Randomize
