As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize