The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Randomize
