Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
