I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize