I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
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