Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
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