hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Still dying that you shit outside
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
