You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
