ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
