Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Randomize
