When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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