She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
