the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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