every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
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