I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
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