I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
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