I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Randomize
