You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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