it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
