At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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