YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
