i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Randomize
