god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
