what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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