Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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