Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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