I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Randomize
